When someone you love has advanced cancer, dementia, or another serious illness, you may feel like you’re grieving them before they’re gone. This is sometimes called anticipatory grief.
You may still be doing everything you normally would, like talking to them, taking care of them, or going to appointments together. But inside, you might feel like they have already passed. You’re living two lives at once. The one where they’re still here, and the one where you’re imagining what happens when they’re not.
It’s okay to grieve them now if that helps you manage what you’re going through. It doesn’t mean you’re no longer hopeful or that you’ve given up on them. It just means this process is painful, and your mind is trying to make sense of a loss that is already beginning.
To help you better understand anticipatory grief, this page covers:
Anticipatory grief is when you experience feelings of loss before someone dies or a major loss happens. If your loved one has a life-threatening or life-limiting illness like cancer, dementia, or another serious health condition, you may feel as if you’re grieving them ahead of time.[1][2]
This is also sometimes described as grieving before death or anticipatory loss, especially when a loved one’s health, independence, or personality changes before they pass. You may feel like you begin mourning them:
Each of these moments can feel like its own loss, even though your loved one is still alive.
Although anticipatory grief can be related to death, it’s not always about death. You may grieve your loved one’s:
This can make anticipatory grief confusing. Your loved one is still here and, in a lot of ways, they’re the same person. You may not know what to call what you’re feeling, or whether it’s even allowed.
Grief is an expected response to someone we care about dying. People send you sympathy cards, ask how you’re doing, and may bring you food or check in after the funeral.
Grieving someone while they’re still alive can feel embarrassing or like you’re doing something wrong. You may wonder how you can cry over someone who’s still here, or feel guilty because you can’t be with them every day.
It’s okay to feel these things:
Your emotions don’t make you heartless. They make you human.
Grief before death is often tinged with waiting. You’re waiting for the next doctor’s appointment. You’re waiting to hear if their health will decline. You’re waiting for them to feel better.
Grief after someone dies is different. You will likely experience many of the same emotions you felt before they died. But you won’t have the mix of anticipation or worry.
Experiencing grief before your loved one dies doesn’t mean you won’t experience grief after they’re gone. Some people report feeling ready. Others never expect their grief to feel so intense.[1][2]
Symptoms of anticipatory grief can vary from person to person. Some people are flooded with tears every day, while others feel numb or irritable. Some people research every medical update while others can’t bear to think about the illness at all.
Anticipatory grief symptoms may change depending on your loved one’s condition, medical updates, caregiving stress, and how much support you have around you.
You may experience:[1][3][4]
You may also find that small things affect you more than they used to. The doctor’s phone call might leave you anxious for the rest of the day. An hour alone can leave you overwhelmed with grief you didn’t know was building up.
Grief is exhausting both before and after someone dies. If you’re having trouble sleeping, working, or functioning because of your emotions, consider reaching out for grief counseling or bereavement support.
When your loved one has a terminal illness, you may feel like you’re living in limbo. They’re still here, but you’re also grieving a loss that you know is coming. You may laugh with them one minute and cry the next. You may want them to hold on while simultaneously preparing yourself for life without them.
It can feel like your grief is doubled. You grieve while they’re still with you, and you’re waiting to grieve after they’re gone. At the same time, it can feel like you’re in an in-between space, where you’re grieving but not fully yet.
If your loved one has dementia, you may experience grief slowly as the disease progresses. Maybe you feel sad every time they don’t recognize or forget how to do something by themselves. Each change can feel like a small death, even though they’re still physically present.[1]
If you’re a caregiver, you may be able to ignore your grief until that becomes impossible. You’re busy. You have:
No one sends sympathy cards for anticipatory grief. There’s no funeral, and no formal acknowledgment that you’re going through something painful.
By the time your day is done, you may not even have energy left to process how you’re feeling. The grief gets pushed aside because there’s always something more urgent.
Caregiver grief can show up in many different ways. You may feel:[3][4]
But feeling these emotions doesn’t mean you don’t love or care for someone. What it means is that caregiving is difficult, both emotionally and physically.
You deserve to take breaks. Have a friend come over and sit with your loved one while you take a nap. Let your spouse cook dinner or take over care duties so you can get out for a few hours and unwind. Inform your doctor or medical team if you’re struggling. Asking for and accepting help can give you the strength you need to carry on providing care.
AMFM is here to help you or your loved one take the next steps towards an improved mental well-being.
First, allow yourself to say what you’re feeling out loud. Tell someone you’re scared. Tell them you’re exhausted. Tell them how you’re really feeling.
If your loved one is stable and you think they’d be open to it, spend time with them. Don’t force them into any deep, meaningful conversations about death. Simple or light-hearted conversations can be good, too. You can ask your loved one about their favorite memory, listen to their favorite song together, sit in comfortable silence, or tell them you love them.
It’s also okay to have the hard conversations if that’s what you both need. Not immediately, but when you feel ready. Some families need to discuss their loved one’s:
Remember that it’s okay to accept help. If someone asks if there’s anything they can do, tell them.
Above all, allow yourself to:
You’re doing the best you can in an intensely emotional circumstance. You aren’t failing because you can’t do it all.
Grief therapy or bereavement counseling can give you a private place to talk through the fear, guilt, anger, and uncertainty that can come before or after a major loss. You can learn to identify what you’re feeling and find appropriate ways to manage your grief before your loved one passes.[5][6] Therapy can help if you can’t stop thinking:
If your loved one has passed away, grief counseling can also help you learn how to function day to day. There is support that can help you move through the next stage of grief when you are ready.
If you’re wondering, “Should I talk to someone about my grief?”, that’s probably a good indication that you should.
Don’t wait until you feel like things are too hard to handle. Reach out for support if you’re struggling to:
In some cases, anticipatory grief and the pressures of caregiving can make people feel alone and desperate. If you’re in crisis or experiencing suicidal ideations, call 911 or your local emergency services.
Seeking help is never weak. If you feel like you have tried everything and you’re unable to cope with your emotions, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
A Mission For Michael (AMFM) provides treatment for adults experiencing various conditions. Grief support is a phone call away – call 866-478-4383 to learn about our current treatment options.
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Whether you have a loved one with a life-limiting illness or you’ve lost someone and you’re finding it hard to cope, AMFM (A Mission For Michael) Mental Health Treatment is here to help. We treat a range of mental health conditions, as well as anticipatory grief.
We offer grief counseling and comprehensive, evidence-based treatment for depression, anxiety, and trauma, which often occur when someone you love is dying. You don’t have to go through this journey alone. Our team of expert clinicians will personalize your treatment plan and work with you to achieve meaningful, lasting change.
At AMFM Mental Health Treatment, we offer individual and group therapy, psychiatry, and structured care programs to help you better understand what you’re feeling. Our full spectrum of care includes residential treatment and flexible outpatient programs.
Our locations in California, Minnesota, and Virginia accept insurance and are in-network with most major providers. To check your insurance coverage for mental health care, simply complete our confidential online verification form or call a caring member of our team at 866-478-4383.
Reach out to us today if you would like to start the admissions process or learn more about how we can support your mental well-being.
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