Over the past number of years, “protecting your peace” has become one of the most shared pieces of advice in modern culture. And it’s easy to understand why, because why would anyone choose to stay in a situation that causes them distress?
But, for many, how this advice is actually used is focused less on its intended method of self-preservation, and more as a means of avoiding anything emotionally difficult.
This raises the question: Are we losing the ability to deal with hard conversations? With this question in mind, this blog explores the differences between emotional safety vs emotional discomfort, and why misused self-preservation techniques could be harmful to well-being.
What Does “Protecting Your Peace” Mean?
The idea of “protecting your peace” has strong links to emotional regulation and discomfort management. It helps you learn how to recognize when a situation is causing you emotional harm, and how to move away from it.
The aim is to teach you how to assess whether what you’re feeling is actually emotionally damaging or if it’s a natural, temporary discomfort that everyone experiences from time to time.
When the idea of protecting your peace is applied to the situation well, it can be beneficial. For example, protecting your peace could mean leaving a job that’s damaging your mental health, or stepping back from a friendship that’s causing emotional harm.
In this way, the concept is sound, but the problem lies in how far the application has drifted from the original intent. In some cases, the phrase has become shorthand for something more complex than what it was designed to address.
How We Started Treating Discomfort as the “Problem”
A YouGov poll found that more than one in four Americans are now estranged from an immediate family member.[1] Of course, many people have very legitimate reasons for creating this strict boundary with others. However, the case might not be the same across the board.
Therapists interviewed about the results of the poll suggested that a potential cause for estrangement could be that people have stopped knowing how to cope with difficult emotions. Instead, they default to cutting people off, blocking the issue, completely disengaging, and using the word “boundary” as a reason why they’re doing it.[2]
Further, a study that tested the psychology behind this cultural movement found that people who scored higher on cognitive distortions were more likely to report a fear of emotional discomfort. In fact, many even believed it to be dangerous.[10] Of course, many people have very legitimate reasons for creating this strict boundary with others. However, the case might not be the same across the board.
Therapists interviewed about the results of the poll suggested that a potential cause for estrangement could be that people have stopped knowing how to cope with difficult emotions. Instead, they default to cutting people off, blocking the issue, completely disengaging, and using the word “boundary” as a reason why they’re doing it.[2]
Further, a study that tested the psychology behind this cultural movement found that people who scored higher on cognitive distortions were more likely to report a fear of emotional discomfort. In fact, many even believed it to be dangerous.[3]
But the problem lies in when that instinct becomes your go-to default in all situations.
Clinical psychologists have explained that the harder someone works to avoid emotional discomfort, the stronger the discomfort can become.[4] This is because avoidance reinforces the belief that the emotion is too dangerous to face, which can then make the next encounter with it feel even more unbearable.
A meta-analysis of 441 studies found that experiential avoidance was strongly associated with the following mental health conditions:[5]
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) related conditions
So, always attempting to “protect your peace” in the face of any discomfort could shrink the range of experiences you’re able to tolerate. And this information is rarely, if ever, mentioned in the videos, posts, or reels giving the advice.
Why Discomfort Is Where Growth Happens
If avoidance makes things worse, let’s now consider what can happen when we face the things that make us uncomfortable.
What Exposure Therapy Teaches Us
Research into how exposure therapy works has shown that approaching a feared situation and discovering that the predicted catastrophe doesn’t happen is what promotes psychological change.[6]
The exposure works because the brain forms a new association with the experience, rather than assuming it’s something that has to be avoided at all costs.
How Distress Tolerance Is Linked to Better Well-Being
Research has found that distress tolerance is a key factor in the development and maintenance of depression, with lower tolerance linked to more severe depressive symptoms.[7] Therefore, there is a clear link to well-being, with a higher tolerance associated with better emotional states.
However, this ability to deal with uncomfortable emotional states can be developed with practice. Discomfort tolerance doesn’t come down to how someone is wired, and it’s a perfectly learnable mental health skill. This is why increasing tolerance is one of the four core modules in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
What Post-Traumatic Growth Tells Us
There’s evidence that suggests that people who come through difficulty end up functioning at a higher emotional level than before. A study of post-traumatic growth found that resilience mediated the relationship between stress and growth.[8]
This suggests that the process of working through the tough times, instead of avoiding it, is what builds distress tolerance for future encounters.
Redefining Your Idea of “Emotional Comfort”
The idea of emotional comfort centers around the ability to let a difficult feeling breathe and believe it has a right to be there. It’s also being able to recognize that what you’re experiencing is a natural response to your situation and that you’re still capable of caring for yourself through it.
However, when you start trying to push away a difficult emotion, this can turn into invalidation, and it can make the feeling grow stronger.[9] But, across many platforms, comfort has now come to mean removing absolutely anything that causes emotional discomfort.
With this logic, if you’re feeling uncomfortable in a challenging conversation, you should remove yourself from it. Also, by the same logic, if someone has said something that has made you feel sad, you should completely disengage.
So the definition of emotional comfort has been altered, and it can change how people approach their relationships. For example, if your idea of comfort is that there should be no negativity at any point, then even the most normal of conversations could start to feel like a threat if something challenging is brought up.
Now the person bringing the perceived challenge to the relationship becomes “the problem,” rather than addressing the challenge itself. If this is the case for you, your well-being and relationships could benefit from redefining what emotional comfort actually means.
What Healthy Emotional Comfort Actually Looks Like
While it’s easy to get swept up in the skewed definition of comfort, it’s worth reverting back to the original meaning. The original form doesn’t focus on fixing emotions or waiting for things to pass. Instead, it asks you to carry an emotion but still focus on meeting your own needs at the same time.
This might look like:
- Keeping your plans with a friend even though you’ve had a difficult conversation with your partner.
- Cooking a proper meal, even though delivery apps seem like the easier option for a stressed mind.
- Acknowledging that you have some challenges to face tomorrow, but getting an early night instead of staying up and trying to fix all your problems.
As you’ve probably noticed, in each of these situations, the difficult emotion hasn’t been resolved or removed. It’s still there, but the person is choosing to care for themselves while carrying it. Real distress tolerance lets them keep functioning instead of putting everything on hold until the feeling passes.
Noticing What Avoidance May Be Distracting From
If you’ve found that emotional avoidance patterns have become your default response to everyday difficulties, it may be worth peeling back the layers to uncover what’s causing this response.
In some cases:
- Avoidance is connected to anxious thoughts that make confrontation feel physically unbearable.
- Avoidance is also linked to depressive episodes, where the energy needed to engage with anything difficult simply isn’t there.
- Trauma could be playing a part, creating a protective reflex that was once necessary but now fires in situations where it’s not needed.
Whatever the cause may be, consistent avoidance in the face of discomfort may be something that needs to be addressed.
Working with a professional to expand your tolerance for discomfort means building the capacity to stay present when things get difficult. But it’s worth noting that this work happens within the emotional safety of therapy, not by being thrown into a situation and told to “deal with it.”
If you’ve started to notice that your life is quieter, but not in the peaceful sense, it might be because you’ve stopped engaging with anything that asks something of you. This may be the starting point for a conversation that changes how you interact with the world around you.
Find Support for Difficult Emotions With AMFM Mental Health Treatment
When it comes to creating a balance between emotional safety vs emotional discomfort, AMFM (A Mission For Michael) Mental Health Treatment can help. Our team provides support that helps you build the capacity to sit with difficult emotions rather than constantly pulling away from them.
Our approach is designed to address the issue underlying avoidance. Then, we can work together to expand what you’re able to tolerate so that the hard conversations and difficult feelings stop running your decisions.
We offer residential and outpatient support for those managing conditions in which avoidance is a core feature, like:
- Anxiety.
- Depression.
- Trauma-related disorders.
- Personality disorders, like avoidant personality disorder.
Our locations in California, Minnesota, and Virginia accept insurance and are in-network with most major providers. To check your insurance coverage for mental health care, simply complete our confidential online verification form or call us at 866-478-4383.
Sometimes, the hardest part is knowing whether what you’re going through warrants professional support. If it has crossed your mind, and you can resonate with parts of this article you’ve read today, this is likely enough of a reason to have the conversation.
Reach out to us if you would like to start the admissions process or learn more about how we can support your mental well-being. A member of our team will be happy to discuss the options available to you.
