It might feel like mental health language has taken a more prominent place in everyday conversations in recent years. Social media has played a big part in this shift, with platforms like Instagram and TikTok turning mental health “advice” into digestible content.
In some ways, this shift has been positive; it helps destigmatize mental health issues and gives people words for experiences they previously might not have been able to name. However, many profiles that offer advice aren’t run by trained mental health professionals. As a result, misinformation about mental health has started to become more common, leading to a variety of harmful outcomes.
One of the outcomes of this spread of misinformation is the link between boundary setting and mental health. Unhealthy boundary setting can stem from a lack of awareness of what healthy boundaries are, misuse of examples of what “acceptable” behaviors look like, and inaccurate advice.
Boundaries are essential for setting limits on what we deem appropriate and protecting our well-being – in all relationships. But when boundary culture crosses into emotional avoidance, we can lose track of which personal limits protect us and which harm us.
This blog can help by outlining what healthy boundaries are, what misuse of boundaries might look like, when boundaries are used to disguise avoidance, and when avoidance could point to a mental health concern.
What Does “Boundary Setting” Mean?
Boundary setting is the practice of communicating your personal limits to another person so that you can protect your well-being, but also keep your relationship with that person intact.[1]
Therapists often teach boundary setting as a relational skill, as it can improve how two people interact with each other. Rather than turning to conflict, boundary setting allows them to clearly and respectfully define their limits. The goal is healthy, modern relationship boundaries where both people feel mutually heard and recognized.[1]
The purpose is also to help someone recognize what they’re comfortable with or uncomfortable with, and then express this in a healthy way to those around them.
If boundaries are appropriately set, they can give both people a better understanding of where the other stands. This can make the relationship feel safer for everyone involved.
What Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Look Like
Potentially due to the influence of social media, therapy language in relationships has become more common. When used healthily, this type of language might be used to communicate a personal need, for example, for space. However, it shouldn’t lead the other person to feel attacked.
For instance, healthy relationship boundaries might sound something like “I’m not in the right headspace to talk about this right now. Do you mind if we come back to it in an hour or so?” This kind of statement expresses a limit while leaving space for the other person to understand your needs.
In contrast, unhealthy boundary setting can be too lax or more focused on control. For instance, if they’re too lax, they may compromise personal needs in a relationship. And if they’re too rigid, they might involve emotional distancing behaviors, such as shutting a partner out to avoid conflict.
However, a problem can arise when there’s a blurred understanding of what boundaries are and how they should be expressed. And as boundary setting and mental health gain more attention in mainstream media, we might start to lean more toward a toxic boundary culture instead of mutually beneficial behaviors.
When Boundary Setting May Have Turned Into Something Else
Boundaries are the cornerstone of the majority of healthy relationships. However, if the idea of questioning boundaries feels like a violation in itself, then we may have crossed over into unhealthy boundary setting.
While the intention behind setting a boundary might be good, the act of expressing it – or even the idea behind it – might be more harmful than beneficial.
And modern media might be, at least partly, to blame. For example, one psychologist claims that people might sometimes be using the word “boundary” to avoid feelings they don’t want to deal with.[2] They may also be using it as a weapon to shut down or avoid feedback, or to completely sidestep accountability for something they’ve done. They also made the point that “real healthy boundaries should regulate you, not be about controlling me.”[2]
Further, a TIME essay on the subject brought up an interesting question that might be worth asking yourself:
“Is the boundary about protecting your emotional well-being, or is it about shutting down a conversation that challenges you?”[3]
AMFM is here to help you or your loved one take the next steps towards an improved mental well-being.
What Misuse of Boundary Setting Looks Like
If someone is misusing boundary language, it’s often not something done with intent. In fact, in a lot of cases, it happens gradually, and the person doing it might believe they’re looking after themselves.
Let’s take a scenario as an example:
You made plans to meet up with a friend, but decided to cancel at the last minute, blaming a “lack of energy.” But the real issue is that you’re avoiding the friend because they often bring up controversial topics that make you feel uncomfortable.
Yes, by making an excuse to not see them, you’ve protected yourself from the unwanted conversations. However, the other person likely has no clue about your real feelings. In this case, the concept of boundary setting has only protected one side of the relationship, eroding its intended purpose. This is what avoiding conflict with boundaries may look like in practice.
It can also present as framing a person’s preference as a non-negotiable boundary. For example, there’s a big difference between “I need space when I’m feeling overwhelmed” and “I don’t want to talk to you.” The second one shuts the door completely.
Additionally, the language used to express boundaries can carry a lot of moral authority that makes them difficult to question. For example, if you’ve told someone you’re “Setting a boundary,” the expectation may be that they have to accept it without pushback.
But when this plays out repeatedly, the result could be that a difficult conversation actually never happens. In fact, repeatedly setting boundaries to avoid conflict could extend to creating impassible limits for relationships. This is when boundaries become emotional walls.
When Emotional Avoidance Is Disguised as Boundaries
The reason boundary language may be used as a cover for avoidance is that avoidance often feels good in the short term. For example, walking away from a difficult conversation could bring immediate relief, so, in the moment, it might feel like the healthy choice.
But if we consider the research, we can see how avoidance can negatively impact us moving forward.
For instance, a peer review study of couples found that avoidant attachment was linked to habitual withdrawing during conflict. This pattern of withdrawal was associated with lower relationship satisfaction for both partners.[4] In other words, while the person withdrawing felt temporarily better, the relationship suffered.
This is the part that a 30-second Instagram or TikTok video about “protecting your peace” might not cover; it likely doesn’t mention that peace achieved through avoidance has a cost. Further, it might not explain that the discomfort you’re avoiding could be the exact thing that needs to be addressed for the relationship to move forward.
To be as succinct as possible, what this information suggests is that avoidance often doesn’t resolve the root issue. In fact, it can delay any improvements that could be made. For instance, the longer a difficult conversation is delayed, the harder it can become to have. And when this happens, you may end up in a situation in which withdrawal feels increasingly like the only option.
Could Habitual Avoidance Point to Something Deeper?
If avoidance has become your default way of handling discomfort in relationships, it may be worth considering what’s fueling this pattern. In some cases, habitual avoidance is connected to something else that may not have been uncovered as of yet.
For example:
- Anxious thoughts can make confrontation feel highly difficult, potentially even leading to physical symptoms of stress. This could turn every tough conversation into something your body feels it needs to escape from.
- Depression spirals can drain the energy needed to engage, which could make withdrawal feel like a reasonable response.
- Trauma can be triggered by a variety of environmental and interpersonal factors. As a result, avoidance could become a protective reflex that may once have been necessary, but now applies to situations that aren’t dangerous.
Experiential avoidance is the unwillingness to expose ourselves to factors in our environment that make us uncomfortable. And research shows that it is linked to high levels of anxiety and depression.[5] So while using boundaries to create barriers may make sense in the short term, it can actually worsen the very problems it’s trying to manage.
If any of this rings true for you, and especially if avoidance has started to affect day-to-day life, it may be worth speaking with a professional who can help you understand the root causes of your patterns.
How AMFM Can Help You With Healthy Boundary Setting and Mental Health
If you’ve noticed that emotional distancing behaviors have become a way for you to avoid situations that need addressing, support could be the next step.
AMFM (A Mission For Michael) Mental Health Treatment provides personalized treatment that addresses the patterns behind how you relate to other people. Our approach is designed to help you understand why certain interactions feel so difficult to engage with, with the goal of building skills that make real connections possible again.
We offer residential and outpatient support for those managing mental health conditions in which avoidance is a common theme, including:
- Anxiety.
- Depression.
- Trauma-related disorders.
- Personality disorders.
If you suspect that unhealthy boundaries and avoidance may signal something deeper going on, we can help. Contact us online or call us at 866-478-4383, and a member of our team will be happy to discuss the options available to you.
Boundary Setting and Mental Health FAQ
If you’re concerned that you’re using boundaries to make distance between yourself and others, you may have some questions about how this happened and how it could affect your well-being. To help, we’ve provided the following answers to common questions on the topic.
What is toxic boundary culture?
Toxic boundary culture is when the language of boundaries is used to avoid accountability or shut down communication instead of to protect well-being. The concept itself is sound, but the way it’s applied can become harmful when it’s used as an exit strategy.
How do I know if I'm setting healthy emotional boundaries?
Healthy emotional boundaries communicate a need while still keeping the relationship intact. If your boundaries are making your relationship more distant, it may be worth re-evaluating your boundaries and how you express them.
Can the overuse of boundaries in relationships cause harm?
When boundary language is repeatedly used to avoid difficult conversations, it can prevent the kind of communication needed for relationship growth. The result can be that both people end up more disconnected than they were before.
