Have you ever seen a friend in a relationship that was clearly toxic and unhealthy, and wonder why they chose to stay with that partner? It’s often easier for people outside of a relationship to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship.
Trauma bonding, which is a major part of abusive relationships, is an example of something that is difficult to detect from inside a relationship. This is due to the constant manipulation at the hands of a narcissistic partner.
But what exactly is trauma bonding? Why do people trauma bond and continue to stay with a manipulative partner?
We’ll answer those questions as well as the common signs of trauma bonding so you can recognize it and stop it in its tracks.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.
The narcissist will condition someone into believing that these toxic behaviors are normal. As the bonding deepens, the person being abused will feel more and more like they need validation from the abuser, giving the abuser more power and leading to further manipulation.
Oftentimes, it can take months or even years to realize you are in this type of toxic relationship. That’s why it’s important to understand why trauma bonding occurs and what the common signs are.
Why Do We Do It?
Trauma bonding occurs as a result of reinforcement at the hands of the abuser.
The manipulative person will alternate abuse with really positive experiences which leads to the development of a trauma bond. Over time, the trauma bonding will strengthen, making it more and more difficult for a person to recognize clear signs of emotional or physical abuse. The abuser will positively reinforce certain behaviors, basically training someone to stay and continue to give their love to them.
Sometimes, a person may be fully aware that they are with a toxic person, but they are so conditioned to continue forgiving them that it can be nearly impossible to finally leave, causing them to feel stuck.
Common Risk Factors
While trauma bonding can happen to anyone, there are some common risk factors that can make it more likely for a person. These include:
- Poor mental health
- Low self-esteem
- Financial difficulties
- No support system
- Past trauma
- History of being bullied
- Lack of personal identity
These risk factors make it more difficult to recognize signs of toxicity and can also make a person more susceptible to manipulation in a relationship.
Recognize the Signs of Trauma Bonding
It’s important to be able to recognize some of the most common signs of trauma bonding so you can have a better understanding of what might be happening to you or a loved one. Here are some signs that a person is experiencing trauma bonding.
Feeling Indebted to the Abuser
An abuser always wants to be in control, and one way to do that is to make someone feel as though they are always indebted to the abuser. This can come in many forms such as domestic violence but they all have the same effect which is the person being abused will feel bad for not making up for the indebtedness they feel.
For example, if you made a mistake early in the relationship that hurt your partner, they might hold that over your head for months to make you feel bad and like you need to make it up to them. They can make you feel terrible about even the smallest of things, and condition you to feel ashamed for past behaviors.
Protecting the Abuser
Oftentimes, the abuser will have their own serious mental health issues that they are struggling with, and this can lead the person being abused to feel the need to care for them or protect them. The abused individual will go up against other people who speak out against the partner and often push people away who aren’t supportive of the relationship.
Narcissists love this behavior and will often reinforce this in the person being abused by showing them love and affection following an act of protectiveness.
Covering Negative Emotions
Negative emotions are prevalent in people who are being abused, but they don’t want anyone else to notice them. They especially don’t want their abuser to notice their emotions because that often leads to the abuser playing victim and making the partner feel guilty for how they feel.
If you find yourself hiding your negative emotions and only letting them out when you’re completely alone, that can often be a big red flag that you are experiencing trauma bonding.
Friend and Family Aren’t Supportive of Your Relationship
It’s one thing if you have parents who feel like no one deserves to be with you and will speak out against anyone you date. But it’s an entirely different thing to have all of your friends and family tell you that they don’t like your partner and don’t think the relationship is good for you.
At first, you’ll likely feel protective and as if they just don’t understand. But the reality is that these people know you more than anyone and can see a change in your behavior that even you haven’t noticed. That’s why listening to your friends’ and family’s concerns is vital to recognize that you’re in a toxic relationship that has led to trauma bonding.
Playing Multiple Roles for the Abuser
If you find that you are “wearing several hats” for your abuser, meaning you play a number of roles for them, that can be a red flag. For example, they might look to you to be their lover, best friend, parent, therapist, teacher, babysitter, etc. By taking on all of these roles, you are being taken advantage of and developing an even stronger trauma bond because you feel like you need to be all of these things to the abuser. It also leads to a weakened identity, making it more difficult to recognize negative changes in yourself.
Don’t Let Trauma Bonding Control Your Life
Traumatic bonding can have a terrible effect on not only yourself but also on other relationships you have with family and friends. By understanding what trauma bonding is, who is most at risk of doing it, and what the common signs are, you can recognize red flags and protect yourself from abusive partners and abusive people moving forward. If you think you are experiencing trauma bonding, it’s important to seek help so you can safely move forward with your life. Take a look at our program information page to learn more about what services we offer and how our programs can help you overcome trauma bonding.
I really liked the information here I also have experienced an element of bonding through trauma stories from past add into the feelings of compassion which add momentum. Very empowering. It interesting how when you hear about something the information comes to give a greater understanding and a sense of ‘not being alone or the only one’
When i think of trauma i disassociate. I dont add emotions to the mix. When i should be nervous my mind becomes focused. when i should be fine on the daily i get bad anxiety. Would you consider that a trauma bond? Or somthing diffrent. I know i have ptsd. But is it a bird of the same feather?
No I dnt think so I’ve been that way but it’s a choice we make cause we have a guard up to protect ourselves
I’ve never heard of “Trauma Bonding” before this article.. very informative, yet true.
Answered only part of my question.. just as ALL other research.
I am ultimately trying to find out or how to explain or to learn how a narcissist ( whom physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally for 8 yrs) has enough power over me that I didn’t have the strength to leave (we did not live together) and it ruined my relationship with my son (now 17 y/o).
My relationship w my son is damaged as well. He had control over me because I didn’t have control of me. I learned how to create boundaries and accepted the truth that he didn’t care about me or his ( our) children. I found a support group and started talking.
I’m in that situation also. Been 6 years or, don’t live with him but managed to drive me to insanity, lost three jobs, my daughter left because I was always edgy. He abused me mentally, emotionally, verbally and pushed me around when he thought necessary. Wanted to marry me but I just couldn’t do it. I was so attracted to him but it seemed that it was always my fault.extremely jealous of other men, told me who NOT to talk with. I developed a trauma bond with him . I actually have so much hate for him because he was so full of the hate that it spreads everywhere. Good looking guy, good vocation but was rotten to me.
Because we are chemically reactive tot hen based on their moods. Our brain chemistry has changed. We have been rewired.
This sounds exactly like me. I can’t believe I’m still here. How do I get out and how did I get here?
I suggest that you get complex ptsd and dialectic therapy for yourself and don’t waste your time trying to figure out pure evil.
Sometimes there are not enough words to put together that will satisfy the answer you seek. I too have children that my relationships with range from still seeing, communicating with, and unfortunately to haven’t seen in 5yrs. It’s hard to accept that 1, another person “controlled” you. 2, that your own sense of perception failed you. 3, that somehow they became more important than your own children. And more. BUT STOP THINKING THAT WAY…these ppl just by default of what they lack are experts at foraging out those of us who’ve most likely experienced some sort of previously unrecognized trauma..esp childhood trauma, and they work very subtly..picking away at our defenses in a manner that even experts would struggle to sense in the beginning. Boundaries, self love and self respect are the keys to preventing it. But first forgive yourself and then then cut all ties and never look back. I wish you the best on your journey, just remember to clear ALL the weeds along your path so you can personally SEE when they’re trying to encroach again.
I’ve been seeing somebody on and off for 7 years and I’m pretty sure I’m trauma bonded he’s very ill right now and he’s getting ready to die I was just wondering
If this is how you “put up walls,” you might want to get assessments to verify. It’s not normal to be abusive in any way just bc you were hurt in the past. That is not ever ok. It is the hallmark of a Narcissist too. Yes they are made via trauma. To thrir egos. To the thinly vieled ego maniac without any self worth. But can pull off cognitive dissonance lile no other, so they are actually capable and do believe their own BS. That is what makes them so scary. They think it is ok.
What is the bond called when a parent tries to replace their deceased child with his friends? A child who was 19 killed himself and his 2 friends at the time who had only been friends with him for a year have now been in constant contact with their friends mother. She has a daughter that is alive but is very invested in both of these young men. She is seeking them out and kind of creating devision between their own family’s. I think it’s weird and unhealthy. I think they feel sorry for her and now are too involved. This was several years ago. She is involved in their relationships and pulls them away for holidays. It seems very unhealthy for all involved.
I am curious if I am trauma bonding?! The pain I feel inside is should crushing. He hurts me more and more and the more he hurts me I want him more and more to see me and want me. How can I break free from this? I love/loved him and left him 8 months ago but now he has a new girlfriend and is saying he no longer wants his family is making me hurt and want him back even more. Uhggg why am I like this?!
He knew I was being bullied and was recently struggling with PTSD and trauma.
Played my support system throughout all of this, as if he was the only one who understood what I was going through.
When our relationship became physical, that’s when the games started. Would put me down and insult me, blame me for why he didn’t feel a certain way about me. He started ghosting me, then would come back around to show me affection and time. Cycle repeated over and over again, which conditioned me to chase him for validation.
He had his own trauma so I kept making excuses for him, meanwhile, he would keep picking on my trauma, trying to get my PTSD reactions to the surface, even though I had it under control.
It worked. I started reacting angrily and that’s what he wanted. It cost me a lot in my life, during that time.
I had a friend that saw what was going on it and she helped me understand what was happening, even though it was hard for me.
The ghosting didn’t help his cause because the time away was helping me see things better, and he still tried to put me back in that cycle, but it didn’t work.
Some people are just evil.
I hope everyone who is stuck in this dynamic can get out
❤️
Thank you that helped me a lot.
This was me, stuck in an illicit relationship with someone who very cleverly kept me bonded with intermittent reinforcement for over ten years. He came into my life during a traumatic situation when my mother was terminally ill and i had no other support. He love bombed me incessantly and with constant contact never giving me time to take a breath. He soon became the person who i couldn’t live without, always there professing his deep love and commitment, but as soon as it became physical he began ghosting here and there, he always had an excuse and i spent my time allowing it because i had invested so much and didn’t want to lose the person who had ‘ brought me out of myself and given me a reason to always look my best’. I became a new me. There were times I’d feel off with something he’d say or do and he would flirt with other women in front of me, one in particular, which i told myself he was doing to make me jealous because after all he was obsessed with me right? He kept telling me he was. Then his contact would be hit and miss, then he’d make comments which would suggest we were ‘good friends’ when in fact we’d been lovers for a long time and in his words it was ‘you and me against the world’. . He’d talk about having days out but never arrange them, then tell me he’d been out for the day with a ‘friend’ which would leave me hurt and i felt constantly that he was messing with my head but he always had a good excuse and i was so bonded that i stopped questioning him. He would send me texts clearly meant for someone else but i daren’t question it in case he ghosted again.
He always seemed to be there fully during my saddest times, being my knight in shining armour and i was too bonded to see that actually he was only there when it was convenient for him, when he was alone or without other projects to keep him busy. He controlled the contact and my life was embroiled in constant anxiety waiting for him to be there to take away my grief at losing mom. I’d be relieved every time my phone pinged and overjoyed at reading just a few words which were repetitive with no substance, just crumbs, when in the beginning he wanted to know my every move, but to me at the time they meant he loved me and was thinking about me.
I could write a book on my experiences, all the ups and downs would make a good read, but now after all this time and being out of it for two years i think how the hell did i let this happen to me? I was a strong person with good morals, but all it took was for him to home in on someone who was already going through something painful.
That trauma bond is still with me, but when i have triggers i quickly move my thoughts to something else.
This has been going on for 35 years of marriage but I never heard of Trama Bonding.How can I get information on this subject and where can I get help for my daughter also.
It happened to me exactly like that.
I am ow do I get out
I hope and pray you were able to get out ❤️🙏
This has really helped me understand wtf has just happened to me in the past two years, and how/why I became so obsessed with my ex.
Thank you
I’m in a trauma bond currently. The abuse has escalated to physical violence at times. I’m experiencing emotional, sexual, financial and physical abuse. I am unable to get away. Now he cheats on me and doesn’t even try to hide it. Leaves videos for me to find if his affairs and when I ask questions about it, I always walk away feeling guilty as he says I caused it and I need to apologize for it. That I need to watch the videos so I can learn why the affair happened. Meaning they are better than me at whatever he needs. He put water in my gas tank (by accident?) and my car has been sitting outside for 4 months for a busted fuel pump. I lost my job as I can’t work without a car where I live. Ive worked in accounting offices for 30 years and made good money but he was jealous and hated I had my own money and any man that may look at me. I had a terrifying nightmare last night and what does he do? Tells me he saw something happen outside that was similar to my nightmare. I busted out crying I was so scared. He left the room then so I would be scared to death and alone. But I can’t get the thought of what he said out of my mind. He told me the only reason I’m allowed to still be here is because I just won’t leave. WHY CANT I LEAVE ? Please help me leave! How do I break a trauma bond while still in the relationship ?? I’ve had major depression my entire life and I can’t go thru the years of crying it would take alone. I won’t survive that again. He did that to me already. It was brutal. But I didn’t remember how bad it was until now I’m back and addicted to drugs and him. I tell him stop giving them to me because I have no way to get them And stuck mentally like I’m living out my own nightmare. Please help me.
Call the police department. Tell them the truth plain and simple.
I’m gone through mental emotional and physical abuse from and present relationships, even at work my boyfriend is having an affair with my former coworker, went in my phone and took my boyfriends number and he has been seeing her behind my back for 4yrs and I have been mentally harassed by her friends and bullied on the job til this day,her and her friends don’t like that he’s still with me.
I lost my son…then I lost my home in a fire and everything I had left of him was gone too. I thought the Universe brought me another son to love and care for…he told me he abused neglected uncredited for unloved…my heart broke for him and I cried…I k ew then I would be his mom and he became my everything…until he took everything and left me broken and my dog sexually abused depressed and dying. Is that considered trauma bonding?
Wtf? Yes and he is the sickest most evil pos his name needs to be given to a vigilante group snd he should be delt w according to their rules. If he is In prison find someone in one of these groups and expose him for the monster he is. He can be Barbie Dogs new girl and tortured daily. There are worse things than death snd he deserves them. That is my advice and I mean it w all of my heart. And I am so sorry for the loss you experience w your son and then all of your tangible memories. Always believe in the afterlife and you can be w him again where neither time nor soace can ever touch you again. You can be w him forever,
We’re you married to Kenneth Marshall Smith? If you were I know some of what he put you through. I’m sorry for you cause he did it to me too. I hope you can move on and be happy. I’m trying to also. My name is Tena and after we broke up he tried to keep coming back after he was dating other women I broke it off and he flee into a psychic rage.
Very interesting I can see a lot of stuff in this is happening in my relationship. It’s opening much to things I want to learn more. Could you tell me if you can save a relationship with that relationship as were saving?
I’m gone through mental emotional and physical abuse from and present relationships, even at work my boyfriend is having an affair with my former coworker, went in my phone and took my boyfriends number and he has been seeing her behind my back for 4yrs and I have been mentally harassed by her friends and bullied on the job til this day,her and her friends don’t like that he’s still with me.
I need help.
Agree, helps to realize we are not crazy too, that these toxic behaviours even though we accepted them, were not normal behaviours and that there is a healthier path!
This makes me feel so sad. This is the story of my marriage. I just don’t know how to break it.
I hope you do find a way to break it ❤️
It was one SUMMER MORNING OF 2005 when we had to relocate to a different locality altogether as a Family. I was barely 13 and so very young and naive in my own world. I wasn’t aware that we’d have neighbors around us as I wasn’t accustomed to bonding with one in my previous home. Things were Fantastic until one fine day a guy of barely 18 met me coincidentally and since then my life with regards to LOVE has never been the same. Two Years he chased me despite I being the innocent and undefiled girl next door. I was very bookish too. But the harder he chased me the fonder I grew of him. They say something about “CHILDHOOD LOVE” and “CRUSHES”, I bet I’ve experienced it all with One Guy my whole life. But things never went as planned. He was always away drinking, partying, chasing different other women but I still held on so tight. Time passed by and soon it was 2010 but we broke up real bad. Still I kept trying to love him despite his constant abuse towards my Family and particularly my Parents. I soon became ready to take on life in full swing as I head out for college. But I never let him drift away. I tried all I could to make him stay. Until 2015 we again called it quits. Post 2015, we met back in 2017 and this time we both were adults and having the same birth month, which is JULY, we met this month itself. My love for him has never for a second diminished but his has from what is reflected. Whenever he got drunk,he’d put the blame on me. I became reason for all his disappointment and even his failures in life. Yet I stayed. I never wanted to even open up myself until marriage considering the person I am but with him, I did everything I would’ve never otherwise done with any guy. He would rate my love based on the times I let him touch me or kiss me. There was another girl named ‘Christene’ in the neighborhood we grew up together whose brother was his best friend and since she never was in town, I never got a clue of what they shared until recently in August when heated fights were happening between us and he hid all his online activities and spending from me because we had one transparent relationship. One day in October, he mentioned he was giving Christene “Driving Lessons” so being the straightforward person that I am, I politely texted her to inform of my equation with him since time immemorial. Turns out not only did she yelled at me but got him and his Mother to apologise from me. I loved him. He was drinking daily and mentioning her name. Post Corona, she came back from Bangalore after her studies, I did all that was needed and hit an apology text to her. Then I thought he’d at least clear the air around us and give me the clarity I deserve since childhood till this present day but he never did. I still love him. I wrote him 1000 messages, called him 100 times and all I heard in response was that “he doesn’t love me anymore!” 🙂
I never imagined one winter noon as I look out for hope with my tears strained eyes, I’d discover this but today, it feels like a BLESSING.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW THAT IT’S COMPLETELY OKAY TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO BROKE US AND DESTROYED US EVEN IF NOBODY UNDERSTANDS.
GOD BLESS THE AUTHOR!????
I know just how your feeling and thank you so much for sharing! There are people who will judge us for continuing to love a man like this but the truth is you can’t tell your heart who to love!
I’ve had a similar relationship with a man who six months ago decided to go to work and not come home. I found out he moved in with a woman who has been an enemy towards me for my whole life! Every time she turns up in my life it’s something that hurts me deeply and I’m always shocked that it’s her again! The worlds small but not that small it’s very strange that she is always the one! She is evil and conniving and she planned to steal him with a detailed plan from me after a 12 year relationship and I found all the texts messages from her as proof!
I still love him so much! We just spoke for the first time in six months last week. She monitors his phone and where he goes all the time. He came to my place and fell asleep on the floor for 4 hours! I was shocked cuz it was the first time I’d seen him in half a year! Then I found out he is very sick. He left and I was distraught to see him go but he came back two days later and did a bunch of things for me like he mowed my lawn and fixed my car
Etc. Then we went to his friends place and he fixed his shower and meanwhile told me that he was done with this other woman!
I was so happy to hear this!
I went home to sleep. I wish I had stayed!
Cuz I found out the following day that his legs became all swollen up and nobody called to tell me! Instead the woman’s daughter picked him up and that was about a week ago I haven’t heard from him since! I’m sure she won’t let him use his phone in private!
I’m choked at her daughter for picking him up instead of calling me because she doesn’t think her mom should be with him either! She thinks Cory was way happier with me! So why would she take him to her moms! She hasn’t answered me on that…grrrrr….
Grr I feel so silly defending her while she tortured me, they’re the worst hypocrites alive. They claim to be the victims while they’re destroying your life
Hi Kerry, I finally left my 43 year marriage 4 years ago and reading this has just given me a massive light bulb moment. I now know why I have struggled for the last 4 years to completely let go, to miss my ex husband so much I just had to see him or text him. I married at 18, was young and very naiave and have suffered many different forms of abuse over 43 years with long periods of calm in between and put up with so much until finally my hope, patience and forgiveness ran out. I felt completely trapped with no way out but luckily for me his best friend gave me a way out and I took it. The stress has been enormous both to myself and my family and my life has been turned upside down to the point when I have sometimes thought has it all been worth it. I never knew there was such a thing as trauma bonding and I suddenly feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders as I realise for the first time what I have gone through and why I have felt like I did. Thank you so much for this article and video!
How did you finally make yourself get out? I should have left years ago, after so many lies, cheating, and emotional abuse, and I feel like such an idiot for staying. I feel like I’m just banking on his unhealthy habits & karma to free me.
Dear CC, I was so struck by your statement that you were banking on his unhealthy habits to free you because that is essentially what happened to me.
My husband of 13 plus years dumped me 5 days after I underwent major surgery in January 2021. I was devastated – about the relationship ending NOT about the cruelty of how he was treating me at my most vulnerable (that apparently was just a given).
He moved out (couldnt get away from me fast enough, though later trued to say I told him to leave) and held onto his “It’s over” position for 9 weeks, being quite cruel whenever I wanted to talk about it (reveling in his unhealthy habits).
When I had finally resolved myself to the fact that it was over, he came to me saying that he was sorry, asking that we work on our relationship and saying that he’ll go to therapy.
That’s when I had to make MY decision.
What has helped me was to follow some advice a friend gave me: we cannot know the future (will he go to therapy? will anything change?), so we have to make our decision based on what we know right now. I’ve decided to move forward with the divorce because right now being in a relationship with who he is right now was killing my soul. Other strong feelings I have are that he has no incentive to get better if he stays with me (his unwitting enabler) and I need to be alone to heal my wounds and find my own personal identity.
Hope this helps someone.
Oh wow. You are speaking to my soul. Every time I have any trauma in my life that is somehow not related to him – he leaves. And I get so frightened by his absence that I don’t even see the cruelty that he uses to redirect my focus back onto him. I am expected to be grateful that he still loves me and comes back after I have neglected him. And I fall for it every single time. I am in the midst of yet another one of those situations with him. He keeps me hooked by telling me he loves me but won’t put up with “my behaviour”. My behaviour is trying to hold down a full time job, be a single parent to three children, care for my dement mother and move house. “My behaviour” is simply exhaustion. But it’s not focussed on him. So I am being punished with absence when what I really need is a partner that participates in my life and nurtures me instead of pulling the rug from under my unsteady feet.
I don’t know how to disentangle myself. I am so frightened to let go. But I think I need to ?
I ask this all the time in so many groups-groups about narcissist, groups about emotional abuse and no one really ever answers me. I’m 30 years in and don’t know how to get out.
Your words really touched my heart.
I was in the same situation.
Can you go to a women’s shelter?
Ask a friend to help you escape/live with her/him for a while? Until the addiction (I read elsewhere that it IS a real addiction caused by the abuse and formed in the brain by some hormones that you keep craving) grows weaker?
Please don’t be ashamed to seek ANY type of help that can help you to stay away from him and avoid any form of contact at any costs.
You cannot overcome the addiction while being in contact with your drug(=him).
If you can afford it find a trauma therapist – this kind of traumatic abuse needs a special type of treatment that normal therapists cannot provide.
Please be kind to yourself!
Nothing of this is your fault!
I got away from the abuse by fleeing to a friend in a different city, but if she hadn’t been willing to help me I would have gone to a women’s shelter.
I felt sooo ashamed and guilty.
But over the time of one year I learned to see him as as what he was- a narcissist manipulating me, being uncapable of REAL love.
I wish you all the best!
You are a beautiful soul, please fight the addiction and save yourself! May God help and bless you!
When you find out girl let me know. We stick together!!!!
When you find out girl let me know. We stick together!!!! Just stay safe as best you can
This is how i feel every day with my live in boyfriend of 2yrs i believe he’s trying to destroy me i used to be a very loving and passionate person towards people and they used to feel the same about me but now i tried to hide so no one can see how much pain I’m in and while I’m doing that my boyfriend would care less about the heartache and pain he’s putting me through i don’t know how to let go of this toxic relationship
Well. You are right. He is trying to destroy your life. Just like a healthy person wants u to succeed. A narc wants the opposite. It makes them feel important and like look at them. They will destroy u and then let you beg them for help in trying to find yourself again. But its only more attack. This time more worse than the last time. But only if the narc needs you. Otherwise they will be cheating on you a lot then discarded and ghosted you. My ex got an inheritance and didnt need my money anymore. 6 years and 2 kids. And she stilll had multiple boyfriends and girlfriend one right in front of another like i wasnt even there. She just didnt care about me. She was like your out and the new sex toys were in. I never knew her to be that way. And the stuff she was doing sexually i was shocked and embarrassed i had been with her for so long. Never thought my friends would be sleeping with her aswell. But that happened. I always woundered my friends wanted so much info about me. I know now. Bc she knew my darkest secrets and where i was and going and my plans. And i even told these friends about her in bad ways… So stupid. Never do that by the way to anyone. It goes on and on with the cheating. She used her looks to supply her ego of everyone wanted her and if they showed intrest, well you got her, just make sure the.focus is all about her. And you were thankful i guess. I was thrown to the gutter by this time. Intresting enough she was a stripper junkie that was so lost in life. I put her up got her clean and bend over backwards to take care of her.
Sounds like my ex who is trauma bonded
With patterns & systems you can be free again.
Yes this is the story of my marriage too. We are currently separated but I am still experiencing psychological abuse and still love my husband….
You have to rip off the bandaid and just leave. Unless you can get your abuser to go to therapy. It’s the only way. It took me nearly 2 years to get over a trauma bond from dating someone with BPD/NPD traits.
I still love and miss him, but I now have c-ptsd and cancer (in remission) from all of the stress. It affected my job, friendships, confidence, and so many other things.
You have to save your self. It’s very hard, but you can do it. It takes a while, and you should read as much as you can about abuse. Once you have the words, it sets you free. Learn about: gaslighting, deflecting, stonewalling, word salad, and so much more. Read about personality disorders and attachment styles. TALK TO A THERAPIST that is specialised in abuse and ptsd. Good luck!
Wow this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Same. It’s so painful to realize you’ve spent almost 20 years of your life with someone who treats you so terribly, but you don’t know how to even begin to leave. Deep down I know i deserve better & I’m tired of making excuses for him.
It’s my exact situation too and I’m trying so hard. You HAVE to find a therapist and listen to your friends and family, they see what we’re can’t! ❤
At last! I feel like I’ve reached a eureka moment. It’s not me going crazy and I’m not the only one. Thank you for the video
I agree.
What epiphanies as a result of this article. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
Boy this was an aha moment! I knew he was a narcissist but I didn’t know the bizarre working of his brain. Recently I got him to agree to go away for a week which we hadn’t done in forever..he complained about the $$ but we have it. I was so hurt bc my dad died over 4 yrs ago and was suck for aling time then my mom moved in with dementia COPD so that was hard.
I have fibromyalgia and chronic intractable migraines which have gotten worse in the past few years. I love the ocean and he doesnt but we always give up ti the mountains where he likes it. I’ve been in so much physical and emotional pain that is now unbearable. So he says. Ok book it..then I get in touch with the people and he changes his mind all the time..so manipulative so I told him I’ll go away with the dog which would actually be nice..so I got in touch with some people and they’re sending me an agreement. I got to learn to do things myself. And the trauma bond made sense. I seem to be able to see his manipulations and control..he yelled at me for getting a root beer float! Praying I get thru or out..
I recognise myself in the article. I’ve been ghosted and gaslighted so many times by my boyfriend. He always finds ways to put his own insecurities and aggression into me. Despite alarm bells ringing in my head I keep taking him back. He validates me then rejects and disappoints me. I need to get out.
When he ghosts you again, don’t take him back. I know it’s hard but this behaviour doesn’t change. I’ve experienced multiple break ups where he came back, and this last one is it. It’s harder than hell but you’ve gotta take back your power.
But what if you have a kid. My baby is 3 and I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping her father away and resent me later. But this has been going on for 3 years now and I feel stuck. He is the King of gaslighting and ghosting. I get so strong when he leaves but I take him back every time . This isn’t me!
Yet another reinforcement, validation, clarity!
Without running full speed AWAY, I will remain here. I’m glad I reached out last week for professional help. He will remain in his narc mind, I will be set free. I choose ME!
My son is 2 and I just left his father after 3 years of abuse. Get a plan together, reach out to the hotline if you can do it safely because they can help with local resources if needed for you and your child. It’s hard. I think the most eye opening part is our son hasn’t asked about his dad and seems happier, he hasn’t been yelling, hitting, kicking either. Show the baby it’s healthy to leave unhealthy because an abuser is choosing to act that way, every single time and you don’t deserve it.
Yes you do. But its hard. Start putting together your plan to get out. Be ahead of him emotionally when u leave for the breakup. Give it a month to get emotionally past it. And remember most everything if not all out of a narcs mouth a lie. U know its sweet or designed to make u feel noone will ever love u. Lies lies lies.
It seems like I’m the only male who’s experienced this with my GF/fiancee.
She’s highly intelligent and started her conditioning of my psyche just a month into our relationship.
2 years later im alone and thousands of dollars poorer.
Plus, she now lives in my house.
You are not alone, possibly just one of only a few men that recognize it. I have a dear friend in exactly this situation. He finally sees there’s a problem but is so used to blaming himself that he seems to forget it’s not his fault… And then the whole cycle starts again. He’s lost all his family and hides the few friends that stay in touch, so has no real support system to help him see anything other than the portrait she paints.
So yes, it happens to men too and is just as painful
Sorry Drew, man after 6 yrs 2 kids my girl had my kids taking from me . she been busted cheating with several ppl including my friends. Even in pictures and she sais it wasnt her. Lol before the discard she convinced me i was delusional and crazy. Then is when she really got wild. Doing things infront of me laughing bc i thought i was really crazy and shouldnt say anything. Once they feel they have questioning your mental status. Her mask is gonna come off. And its evil.
I had never heard of this term “trauma bonding” until I saw a meme about things that will cause you to lose people sometimes from your life. “Breaking a trauma bond” was on that list. googled it and I am realizing that’s exactly what I was apart of. I am dealing with a toxic person who ghosted me back in July and just popped up again a few days ago, I am literally so confused because I know he is toxic and bad, but then just as it says, I know he has his own issues that I would give him passes for that. The last couple days, since he contacted me again.. my anxiety has been through the roof. I am so confused. There isn’t enough cannabis in the world to calm my nerves. I’m not eating. Its almost like PTSD, but then its like talking to him, he’s so “remorseful” and “misses me”, “I make him weak” blah blah, BS. I can see myself like falling back into the comfort of having him in my life, but also fighting it because I know how bad he is for me. And that I can’t fix him. I wrote my final goodbye text that I am going to send here shortly. I cannot do this. I refuse.
I hope you sent the letter? Better yet, didn’t send the letter and just leave him for good. You can do this!
I fight this so hard because the love felt so real. And it was, at least some of it. He was so very abusive and yes, tried to convince me it was all my fault. I caught him cheating and confronted him and somehow he convinced me I was crazy and I ended up apologizing for going through his phone. I’m in the process of being done but I fear I’m permanently damaged. Because the intensity of his love was so very intoxicating (I was a very abused and neglected child and never experienced that kind of super human love) that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to desire any other form of love. It’s all I think about. Not him necessarily but that love bombing. It just felt so good to me. And I also wonder if it could have been both. Did we love each other so much as well as having a trauma bond at the same time. It felt so real, even when we were kids.
I think it can happen to both people. we were so attached we both couldn’t let go. I’m glad I saw this post. I see what’s happening. I’m letting him go. I don’t want this to get worse or harder.
I fight this so hard because the love felt so real. And it was, at least some of it. He was so very abusive and yes, tried to convince me it was all my fault. I caught him cheating and confronted him and somehow he convinced me I was crazy and I ended up apologizing for going through his phone. I’m in the process of being done but I fear I’m permanently damaged. Because the intensity of his love was so very intoxicating (I was a very abused and neglected child and never experienced that kind of super human love) that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to desire any other form of love. It’s all I think about. Not him necessarily but that love bombing. It just felt so good to me. And I also wonder if it could have been both. Did we love each other so much as well as having a trauma bond at the same time. It felt so real, even when we were kids.
Thank you for your post, My eyes have been opened.. it’s hard to believe but it’s not a health relationship. So I’m braking my engagement off. I think he tried but he didn’t want to say I’m leaving. Because he wanted me to stay with him because of his mental health. At the same time we both had bonding issues. He verbally was hurting me and I was spiritually abusing him and his free will. I just think I loved him so much I was trauma bonding him. That probably was because of my childhood bullying. I still hope we can make it. Go to counseling together or something.I tried to make it work. It’s not working so I’m letting go. I don’t want to trauma bond him. Or play emotionally games.
If you have more material I be glad to read it. I can’t do a subscription or anything. Only if it’s free! But thank you for sharing! It’s much appreciated! God bless you and everyone 🙏 ❤️
That’s it ….that’s exactly it.ive always known he was a narcissist…and I honestly always knew he MANIPULATED me..I honestly think I was quite aware of most of the things hes done to me…but I could never explain to myself why I stayed…I could never come up with a definitive answer to why I allowed it all..or what exactly it’s called that hes doing…I always told myself I just love him more than the bs he puts me thru..and I definently justified and rationalize his behaviors even lie to myself…I think the key element here is the balance between the good times and the bad…in my personal situation for years and years I did everything a wife would do for this man EVERYTHING..but anytime I had issues with his behavior which almost always was him leaving amd going with other women for days n days some times weeks..and when he would come back If i had anything to ask or want to know he would always say we ain’t together ..I will do what I want …deal with it basically but this is only after some big dramatic shower situation he claimed to be experiencing just to get his f oot back in the door but the min he came back he would be sweet and LOVING and usually bring me a gift of some sort or PROMISES of something needed..ONE OF MY BIGGEST ISSUES IS WITH EMPTY PROMISES HE WILL PROMISE ME THR WORLD….AND NEVER EVER DELIVER..AND NO MATTERHOW MANY TIMES HE DOES THIS I STILL ALLOW IT..I DONT FALL FOR IT BC I KNOW WHAT HES DOING….BUT ALLOW IT HE IS COMPLETELY INCAPABLE AND UNWILLING TO HAVE OR GIVE ANY FORM OF RESPONSIBILITY OR ACCOUNTABILITY AT ALL FOR ANYTHING
.YET WILL HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SMALLEST THINGS .HE ALSO LITRTALLY WILL PUNISH MR FOR HIS ACTIONS….I HAVE NO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING..HE TELLS EVERYONE I AM CRAZY AND COMVINCES EVERYONE THAT ITS ALL MY FAULT..HE LITERALLY BEAT ME SO BAD ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO I WAS COVERED HEAD TO TOE IN BRUISES MY ARM WAS CUT ALL THE WAY TO THE BONE…HE LEFT FOR A WEEK THEN ABOUT A WEEK LATER WE ENDED GOING TO HIS MOMS AND A FEW OTHER PLACES…EVERY PLACE WE WENT THEY WERE ALL STARING AT ME SEARCHING MY FACE FOR ANWSERS SOME ASKED OTHEES SAID NOTHING..I LITERALLY DID NOT SPEAK ABOUT IT…HE PRETTY MUCH ABANDONED AFTER THAT BUT HAS CONTINUED IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE AS USUAL ..A FEW WEEKS AFTER THAT WE GOT INTK A FIGHT AND HE LITERALLY TOLD ME THAT I NEEDED TO STOP TELLING EVERY SINGLE PERSON I SEE THAT HE BEAT ON ME BC SOME OF HIS FRIENDS ARE GETTING PISSED BC I AM BRINGING NEGATIVE ATTENTION TO THEM ..
COMPLETELY BAFFLED I LOOKED AT HIM AND TOLD HIM I HAVENT SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD ABOUT WHAT YOU DID TO ME TO ANYONE ….HE SNAPPED WELL HOW THR HELL DOES EVERY OK NE KNOW OUR BUISNEES..
I SAID IDK MAYBE THE HEAD TO TOE BRUISES RANGING IN SIZE FROM A QUARTER TO THE FOOTBALL SIZED ONE ON MY LEG..MAYBE THE CUT TO MY ARM THAT IS ALL THE WAY TO THR BONE…MAYBE THE FACT THAG EVERY PART PIECE LIMB OF MY BODY IS BEATEN AND BRUISED…ALL ANY ONE HAD TO DO WAS LOOK AT ME ..AND THEY KNEW…EVERYONE EXCEPT HIM…HE WAA COMPLETE UNAWARE THAT HE WAS AT FAULT FOR ANYTHING….I AM STILL BLOWN AWAY ..AND I STILL CANT BREAK FREE IVE BEGGED HIM TO LET ME GO ….IVE TRIED EVERYTHING I KNOW HOW TO DO…HES BROKEN ME DOWN SOOO FAR I HAVE NOTHING..MY ENTIRE FAMILY DIED WITHIN 3 MONTHS OF EACH OTHER LAST YEAR..HE KNOWS I HAVE NOTHING AND NO ONE. …..HES USED IT TO HIS ADVANTAGE YET STILL I CANNOT BREAK FREE
Wow. Touched home…you deserve better.mim so sorry that happened to you too.
I can so relate. I was in a 10 year relationship. In the beginning he was amazing. I completely fell in love with him. Eventually he started with the verbal abuse making me feel like it was always my fault. Then if I did everything right he would act so loving. After while he became physically abusive and I knew it was wrong but I didn’t want to leave because I thought he treated me like this because he loved me so intensely. He would get jealous if I even talked to another stranger if they complimented me. I thought it’s because he loved me so much and only wanted me to himself. He constantly accused me of cheating on him. What ended our relationship was I found out he was cheating on me with several other women. He had videos of them having sex and went swingers sex clubs. That’s when it finally for me. I filed a restraining order. I have to admit sometimes I miss him but then I remember all the things he did to me. Good riddance !
Similar case with my kids mom. The cheating was bad but to the extent of ppl and the wierd stuff too. Who are these ppl ?
This is me In so many ways. I’m told I’m the manipulator, the con artist , the crazy one, I’m the one who has to go to counceling, My feelings often not consider valid because I. Supposedly upset about something that wasn’t said or done. I can’t be myself because it annoys my husband. I feel like a crazy person. Because I complain about how much I hate being with him but when he’s gone I can’t stand it. I feel crazy because I don’t know how to let go. I’ve felt like dying when we separated and I often didn’t want to live because he made it seem like I was such a bad person that I would never change and I felt like if that was true why would anyone want me and that what was the point in life.
My husband just passed away Dec 3. Our entire relationship was like this. He had multiple affairs and even had affairs on his affairs. We met when I was a year out of rehab. He was 15 years older than me and I fell under his spell right off the bat. We were together 11 years, but didn’t get married until 2 years ago. He hung on to me while he moved from state to state, job to job and woman to woman. And while we did live together fro the last 4 years, he called me every night. 3 years ago he moved me to live with him from New Orleans out to Vegas. 2 months later he was kicking me out because he met 21 year old”twins” online and said they were moving from London to come live with him in Vegas. He threw my bags and dog in a car and dumped me off at the air port. They wouldn’t let me board with the dog carrier I had. He had to come back to the air port to get me. He was screaming at me so loud they called the police. So he took me to a hotel and actually threw my bags out the car door, paid for the hotel and left. I got back to Charleston and was in shock for months. Yet he still called me every night and I actually talked to him! He took care of me financially because he said it was his mea culpa for how he treated me. 2 years ago(he was still meeting women from online) he begged me to married him. Over and over, saying he didn’t want the government to get his SS. As crazy as it sounds, I married him. Now he was at a new job in a new state, still hooking up. When he passed away a few weeks ago, I had to go to Georgia from Charleston SC. Gather his things from the hospital, the next morning make his cremation arrangements, clean out his corporate apartment and fly back home all in 30 hours. Back at home, I went through his thing looking for paper and bits of info needed for accounts and such. And guest what I found? He was texting women even while he was very sick in the hospital, 2 weeks before he died. And here I am still defending him because his of his mental health and bad childhood. I don’t feel sad for myself. I feel and understand I was “lured into his web”. But I am bipolar(I take a perfect cocktail) and try to see everyone side of things. Every time I get mad at him, I start to feel sad for him. Then get frustrated with myself because I didn’t see it, given my own situation. It’s like living in a vortex. As soon as you catch your breath, it’s sucked back out of you.
This happened to me after I got back together later in life, after him being my first love when we were both 18. This a decade ago that I was finally discarded in a short phone call.
It had an adverse effect on my health and I was broken down, what a lot of effort for nothing but finding out that the sweet memories I had of him weren’t real. I had told him repeatedly that getting back together wouldn’t work, but I was going through an awful money situation and he used that to get in through the net. Then I ran into him in a grocery store and he insisted on giving me a ride home, while I’d wanted to walk, but did get in his car after which he told me that the workers under him “cried all the time”. Still up to his old tricks, I feel for them. What a tool.
Please please please get out for your own safety and emotional well being! You don’t deserve any of this and you must find a way to leave him before things get any worse! I overstand what you are going through and feel your pain – so much so that u brought a tear to my eye! I myself have been with a narcissist and they are truly evil people! You must choose yourself first over him no matter what and get out whilst you still can! I know it’s incredibly hard but you’re just hurting yourself more and more by choosing to stay! He doesn’t love you nor does he deserve you and you know this! He will never ever ever change except to treat you worse than before! Drag yourself away from him if you must! You can do it, you must! I beg you-please find a way to leave him!
I will try to explain what led me to seeking help for trauma bonding. Please no judgement..I tell my story purely to try to let other people know how toxicity becomes ‘the norm’ until it almost kills you.
I was married to a man who showed me no real love, only control, emotional abuse and financial worries, and to the outside world and our very wide circle of friends we appeared to be the perfect couple. Somewhere in my 30s I detached from him and found myself being pursued by someone I worked alongside. I felt off at first, he was aloof, haughty and very opinionated, he was also married. Totally against my values I allowed everything that happened after to unfold because I now know, I was programmed all my life to accept emotional abuse.
At first I’d notice him studying me intensely, then progressed to him following me and listening to me in groups, taking in every word I said. Within a short time he would mirror me and became territorial. I can’t explain why but I felt myself deeply drawn to him. It went on for months until we began a relationship. I now know that I was groomed by someone predatory. In the build up period he’d slip in little things like how insecure he was, how he hoped i was patient and always referred to the hundreds of things we had in common. He never gave me time to breath, texts flying to me all day until I fell asleep. I would have days when I’d think this is too much, especially when he’d refer to me as a goddess. But by then against my usual morals I was in too deep. I didn’t realise but I was already bonded.
Then came the times I wouldn’t hear from him for a few days, I’d start panicking, couldn’t ask why, all contact was at his bidding, I’d see him sidling up to other women, doing the same things he’d done with me, but always came back to the fact he was ‘insecure’ just trying to make me jealous. He would compare me to other women. I’d been conditioned not to think about his marriage partner who he’d said he just couldn’t leave as she had bad manic depression episodes and was volatile and irrational. Flags should have raised but he was so convincing and persistent I would let it pass. I never dared ask questions for fear of looking ‘ impatient ‘
I picked up on so many inconsistencies, so many contradictions but by then was scared to death of losing him and his affection. I was completely in love with him . The whole thing was a seesaw of elation and dread, I don’t know how I held down a job. I became two people, but was living on my nerves and beating myself up but couldn’t stop. I neglected every other aspect of my life spending every minute in an addicted trance feeling out of control with my own thoughts and needs. My closest friend would just tell me to dump him and get over it. Its not as simple as that. Its done very intentionally and in drip drops so you don’t notice you’re enmeshed until you find the courage to admit its not normal When I finally found the courage to end it I was an emotional mess and felt like I’d had my insides ripped out.
When I’m with him, I just want to get away. But when I’m away, I can’t stop thinking about him. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or trying to focus on, my thoughts drift back to him. I just wish I could turn my thoughts off, I would never go back. I’m going to get into therapy, I hope to God I can heal. I would never take myself out but I just wish I could escape this trauma bond.
Oooh I feel the exact same. Like I have such temporary relief when I do get away but then he comes flooding back in every thought. I can’t focus on anything else. I can imagine this is what a drug addiction is like for others ????
Unfortunately the torture of watching a loved one go through life is nearly unbearable. Why are these worthless animals allowed to exist.
There has to be a legal means to deal with these animals rather than watching this payout between family members and the unfortunate family under the narcissist’s control…
Helplessness or Hostility; which finally wins out…?
I finally got out at 21, from my toxic environment but it feels like it’s too late for me to heal and feels like the trauma did me in, I regret staying around for so long and let it destroy my mental health and well-being.
I am five years into a very toxic marriage. Our anniversary is this month marking the fourth year of abuse…the first year was so great and then I married him. Come to find out he has untreated bi-polar disorder.and other cluster B issues..and yes there were a few red flags I ignored because I am definitely an enabling excuse maker. A few months ago he did get on an antidepressant but will not take the anti-psychotic meds. He sometimes has auditory and visual hallucinations and can be extremely paranoid, like thinking I’m hiding someone in the attic…he actually nailed a board across the attic door entrance and said whoever’s was up there could just die up there because they weren’t getting out. Scary
My family has abandoned me. My finances have been ruined. . This man was a friend of my late husband who came around after he passed away to offer help with my acre of property. I see now I was just a prime target for his “supply” because I have been the primary supporter until my money ran out. He just doesn’t want to work. He has to keep an eye on me.
I was initially traumatized by my husband’s sudden death after 15 years of a good marriage. Then I had to get a restraining order against some stalker down the road who kept coming on my property , so when he showed up offering help around the property it made me feel safe.
I don’t feel safe anymore. I’m anxious and depressed.
He has never actually beat me up, but he has pushed me down, shoved me, slapped me, grabbed me hard enough to leave bruises, brandished weapons, made intimidating threats like I’m gonna make you eat your teeth, scary stuff like that. The mental and emotional abuse is so much worse. He doesn’t trust me. Period.
I have been faithful, but he makes up stories about me all the time and is constantly accusing me and name calling. He calls me a liar, a whore, a snake, and then turns around and tells me how much he loves me and can’t live without me and threatens suicide if I ever leave . I want to leave and even have my own house around the corner that’s empty right now, but I would have no power or water because I have no job. Im thinking that as soon as the weather gets cooler I’ll move there anyway and use candles and flashlights if I have to and the gas stations bathroom. I don’t even have a phone. I’m writing this from my smashed up ablet trying to read between the cracks ….all my stuff is somehow broken these days. I do have a car though and trying to find a job when I have gas in it..
He doesn’t like that…he just started working again..that usually will last for a couple months until he finds a reason to quit. I once made a good salary and never thought things would end up like this in my life…so much mac and cheese and top ramen..what I wouldn’t give for a good healthy meal …plus no medical. Tired of searching car seats and couches for change. Never had to do that before, sometimes I think this is a test or trial that God is allowing me to go through…to make me stronger in some way, but I don’t like some of the hateful feelings I get because really I am a kind and caring person.
Thanks for the article. It helped me understand things a little better. I know things won’t change unless I do something. I’m trying. Pray for me please.
It’s sad that these are always portrayed as the woman being the abused. Every time I try to make clear to my wife that I feel like she is being abusive she somehow turns it around on me. That I am actually the abusive one and that all these description describe me. She tells me everyday what’s wrong with me and why I need to feel bad for not being good enough for her. Then she gets mad at me because I’m afraid of making her mad. Says I’m not a real man.
Best Content I Have Found Every Time On This Site, Best Of Luck.
How do I get out of this relationship with my narcissist?? And how do I stop the trauma binding although it’s been going on for the last couple years straight I’m so sad all the time losing everything that means everything to me, it’s so unhealthy it’s ridiculous I should of left and stayed gone but I just keep going back to the physical and mental abuse…. Help???
Hi I’m so confused not sure what to. I think i have trauma bonding,
Can you
I was with a woman for 3 years. At first we would just hang out at my place. Then she moved in and the red flags started to show. First a elaborate lie to go hang and drink with her Ex. Then months later that Ex girlfriend messages me asking why my girlfriend is begging for him. I spoke with her about this and all she would say is you don’t believe me you will believe them. After that her drinking got out of control. She would get so drunk she would beat on me for hours and refuse to let me leave. Then afterwards we would talk and she would say she has no idea why she did it. I was providing everything for her at this point and I felt bad like there is a deeper reason for this abuse. I stuck around after many beatings each time I’d be the one comforting her even tho she abused me. This went on the entire 3 years. She never felt bad that I was pretty much letting myself go for her gain. I was paying her bills. Buying her personal items etc all while she had a income but made excuses as to why she could not afford stuff. But at the same time while I worked on the road she was at the bars 3 to 4 times a night. Then she was caught on video with her mother brining two guys home.. I was fed a load of bs and told I was over reacting even her mother lied for her. Then a week later she gets upset with me because I didn’t want to spend a arm and a leg at the store. So she decided to drop our plans and her and the mother went to the bar. When they came home her mother came inside and my girlfriend drove off to a hotel with 8 Army guys. This person clearly didn’t give a crap about me but I ignored it. We talked about it. Then I come to find out yet another ex she had been talking to and seeing while I was away for work. I could tell her web of lies was getting to her as she became more frustrated with me questioning the actions I was witness to. Finally in Aug we went out had a great time. She got super drunk and continued to drink once home. I awoke to her sitting on the floor naked and asked what’s wrong she replied some mumbling response. Then stormed out of the room. I asked what’s wrong again no reply. She finally comes to bed laying in the opposite side which is not normal as we slept cuddled together. I asked her to come sleep with me and I was then attacked in a drunk rage that lasted two hours. To which I was beat black and blue and kicked out. At the same time she texted her ex that me and her were over. I finally knew then this person had been using me and abusing for me their own gain and I feel victim to it without knowing. When I spoke to the police about it they said she seemed disturbed and out of it. The state stepped in after seeing what had been done to me and filed charges. To which she then made false report after false report. Each report of events was different. Even with me having her brother as a witness to the attack and video of it she continued to make false report and have me locked up over her own lies. It took me 3 years to realize I was in a toxic and dangerous situation. This same person would tell me in conversation that she was afraid she would take the beatings to far.
How do I help someone I love from reliving this? He keeps on going back to someone who has repeatedly cheated on him in a span of a year and he claims this is love. Based on how I see the girl, she is clearly still hung up on someone and is stringing him along, knowing that he knows her more and will pick her (which he did) over me. I have already moved on because I was treated as an option but I am still in love with him and I don’t want him to get hurt again. He has extreme depression signs. I am legitimately worried about him.
Hi I believe I might be in a trauma bonding relationship but I do feel I actually love him and want to believe he actually Loves me everything I read sounds a lot like the relationship I’m in the only thing is that he has seeked help for his mental health he’s seeing a psychologist and insists he does not want to be that way. Is it possible that he can change ? We are having a baby in five weeks and if I can make this work I would like to try. But if I there is no change then I need to take that step it hurts so much and I don’t
I think the use of constant gaslighting and never feeling understood or validated, created a trauma bond for me. its been really difficult but how do we correct these and break the trauma bond?
Am I trauma bonded I had relationship with this man, I’d never felt so happy and loved I thought he was my future then after 5 months he changed it was subtle but he changed it made me more insecure, then he night he attacked me… tried to strangle me he looked like a mad man! We continued our relationship but he would this time me regularly, alongside this behaviour he was still telling me loved me but he said I need help (I’m very insecure) his distant and secrecy continued and I kept asking if there was another woman he swore blind there wasn’t … fast forward another 5 months, he moved an hour away and was still acting odd and violent at time then suddenly he admitted he’d been in a relationship and moved in with another woman 3 months earlier. In all this time ge was still violent and cruel to me. He eventually after another few months left her snd came back to me. I thought that was our second chance he nice to a little while 4 months maybe then ge turned on me again and ended our relationship and has silent the last three years talking, then ignoring me, then back to talking to me then blocking me it’s been a never ending cycle for three years. I’ve been pleading with him to give a chance. Hes constantly used phrases like ‘I can’t be with you at the moment’ and ‘give me space and we can see if things will work out. I feel trapped and my head is all over the place, I don’t know if I’m coming or going but one I know I feel heartbroken every few days, then j feel there’s hope, then i’m back to heartbroken. I know I should have walked away because he’s been violent and he speaks to me like dirt. But I’ve no strength left. And now I appear to be permanently blocked and ignored with a threat to call the police on me.
I feel like I can relate to this.
My husband is a highly intelligent man, suave in articulation and a tendency to turn any situation around to play the victim. He’s not a bad person and he’s had a very troubled childhood; he was unmedicated for the longest time and is yet to seek therapy for his childhood trauma (he’s almost 36).
Before we got married, he cheated on me both physically and emotionally. It almost ended us but over the last 6 years iv realised I have been reduced to less than a shell of the person I was. I lost my faith and trust in him and for the most part, much of my physical attraction.
He was without employment for most of our relationship which put a lot of stress financially; I wasn’t the nicest about this which I take full responsibility for and it’s easy for me to say that until I met him, I’d never been associated with any man without a strong emotional and financial stability. he jumped jobs and got fired from atleast a few.
Being highly intelligent he has been able to make excuses for treating me/others poorly by transferring blame onto others including me. He even went to jail and has been in countless fights. If I would raise my voice, all argument is moot because I’m now ‘“yelling” – when I’m just passionately expressing my disappointment or feelings.
Through these episodes I have grown to love him as a child. I have subconsciously assumed a motherly figure in response to his childlike behaviours.
I know he loves me and I’m so torn as he has ruined most of his relationships with his family and doesn’t really have friends here. I know he will survive without me – he’s now doing well professionally, is medicated and is looking to improve his life. However as soon as he starts drinking it’s like no progress has been made. I am reduced to feeling like countless times before; helpless, suicidal and worthless.
Hi i havent read all the other comments, there’s so many of them, so im sorry if this has been said before. But i would just like to add one more subgroup under the category for people who more likely to enter into a trauma bond- that is people who are struggling with addiction. Especially when they’re trying to get sober and the person they’re trauma bonded to isn’t. It’s an insanely difficult time because people are very vulnerable when theyre detoxing or going through withdrawals.